It’s NOT an Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Tankini

It happens every summer. My Facebook newsfeed starts to blow up with photos of my cute little friends on the pretty little beach with their cute little swimsuits on. And it reminds me that I should probably buy a new suit this year for myself. Not so that I can post Facebook pics, but so that parents don’t have to discreetly shield their kids’ eyes and tell them to look away. Every year I intend to buy a new swimsuit, and every year I find an excuse not to. Until this year.

Last fall in Italy, we spent an afternoon in a natural Sulphur springs. It was one of the coolest experiences I’ve ever had, and I will treasure it forever. The only drawback was that our swimsuits permanently had that Sulphur smell, and we needed to throw them away so as not to contaminate our entire suitcases. Thus, this has become the summer that I absolutely had to get a new swimsuit.

For those of you who know my Spanx nightmares, it will come as no surprise to you that my swimsuit purchase was just as exhausting. I wandered into the department store straight to the section that I had always known to host the swimwear collection. Little did I know that the whole display had been moved downstairs….to Juniors!!! I practically skipped as I headed toward the department that hadn’t housed my size since middle school, secretly hoping that an acquaintance would see me heading in that direction. The enthusiasm stopped there.

Having been a few years since I had shopped for swimwear, my choices were almost overwhelming. Tummy firmer? Thigh trimmer (my mind fleetingly wondered why my bathing suit would cover my thighs.) Bust enhancer? So many options! And so many questions. Could I possibly layer them and get all of the benefits at once? Are they like shapewear, and trim my thighs simply by cutting off my circulation? My mind was reeling as I gathered up an armload of suits and headed off to the fitting room.

Once inside, I started with a type of suit that I have never owned; the tankini. Turns out it’s a fabulous idea, as long as I don’t need to actually raise my arms anywhere above my waist. Because when I did, everything that had been neatly tucked away sprung into life all at once. No, a tankini was definitely not for me. The next suit that I tried on actually fit pretty well, but the plunging neckline actually met up with my naval at some point; not exactly the look I was going for.

Meanwhile, I could hear the lady in the stall next to me doing the same spandex dance that I was; struggle – sigh- struggle, etc. – much more exhausting than a Pilates class. After several more fails, I finally found the suit that will likely be my staple for the next ten years. Wouldn’t you know it; the tag said, “Miracle suit.” Yay!!  Exactly what I needed! A miracle!  I’m assuming that it’s lined with shrink wrap or something; it doesn’t really matter because everything stayed where it needed to.

As I gently laid my purchase on the counter, the sweet clerk scanned it and found the price; the person before me had wisely removed it. After asking if they had a “60 months, 0% interest plan,” the nice lady explained to me that after she applied all of my coupons, I would be pleasantly surprised. Oh, I was definitely surprised. But at this point, all that mattered was that I had a suit that actually fit me and will probably last a lifetime.

Don’t get your hopes up – there will be no Facebook pics. J

Sincerely,

Susan